I’m So Scared I’m F*cking Up My Kids
Over the years I’ve heard some version of this from so many parents:
“What if I’m messing them up?”
“What if I don’t respond right?”
“What if they remember this and it screws them up later?”
And I’d be lying if I said I’ve never had those thoughts either.
And underneath it all…a quieter, heavier fear.
“What if I become the thing that hurt me?”
Let’s just say it out loud.
Parenting is one long, low-grade fear that you’re doing irreversible damage to the people you love most.
But I’m not going to tell you you’re doing a great job.
I know that you might have expected me to say something like, “Don’t worry, you’re doing great, just keep your head up.”
But the truth is…I don’t know you.
And one of the things that quietly bothers me about the internet is how quickly strangers will say:
“You’re doing a great job mama. Don’t worry about it.”
With little to no context of what’s actually going on in the home.
Maybe you are.
But maybe there are things that do need attention.
Maybe there are patterns worth looking at.
Maybe there are moments you’d handle differently if you slowed down enough to notice.
And you deserve more than surface-level reassurance from someone who’s never met you.
That being said, I didn’t write this post to increase your fears of f*cking up your kids or to bash you for what you could be doing better.
What I can say instead
I’m not here to blindly reassure you.
I’m here to ask better questions.
Not:
“Am I a good mom or a bad mom?”
But:
“Am I willing to look at myself honestly?”
“Am I open to repairing when I get it wrong?”
“Am I paying attention to how my kids experience me - not just my intentions?”
Because that’s where the real change happens.
“I just want someone to watch me parent for a day and give me a grade.”
Like…can someone just come in, observe the chaos, the snacks, the negotiations, the moments I lose my sh*t, the moments I show up really well??
And then tell me:
“Here’s where you’re doing great.”
“Here’s where you’re screwing it up.”
“Overall? Solid B+.”
Honestly, there’s something comforting about that idea.
Clear feedback.
A definitive answer.
Some kind of certainty.
But also…no you don’t.
Because what would they even be grading?
One day?
One moment where you were dysregulated and snapped?
Or the 500 small moments where you showed up, stayed, responded, tried again?
Parenting doesn’t work like a performance review.
It’s not a snapshot.
It’s a relationship over time.
Here are the things good parents are actually doing:
Not perfect parents.
Good parents.
They’re:
Apologizing
Repairing (because rupture happens in every relationship)
Letting their kids see them be human (yes, all of the emotions, not just the happy ones)
Paying attention to the impact - not just their intentions (this one is really important)
Trying again (and again…)
If you’ve heard of attachment styles and now you’re spiraling…
Take a breath.
Yes - your relationship with your kids matters.
Yes - how you respond to them shapes how they experience safety, closeness, & themselves.
But that doesn’t mean one wrong moment ruins everything.
Attachment isn’t built in one moment. And it’s not built just from you.
It’s built over time - through patterns of being responded to, comforted, and reconnected with.
Rupture doesn’t break attachment.
Lack of repair does.
“I know I’m not messing them up…so why does it feel like I am?”
Because this isn’t just a thinking problem.
It’s a body one.
You can logically know you’re doing a lot right…
AND
…still feel like you’re getting it wrong.
Especially if you grew up in environments where mistakes had consequences, or where you had to stay hyper-aware of other people’s emotions.
Your nervous system learned:
“Getting it wrong isn’t safe.”
So now, even normal parenting moments can feel loaded.
And if you’re a working mom trying to balance all of this…
There’s another layer.
You’re not just parenting.
You’re managing time, energy, expectations, and the emotional experience of your family - all at once.
Even if you have a supportive partner - someone who helps, shows up, carries their share -
That invisible load is still real.
And some days?
You don’t have full capacity.
You’re tired.
You’re stretched thin.
You’re more reactive than you want to be.
That doesn’t automatically equal damage.
It’s reality.
So…are you messing up your kids?
Maybe.
There will be moments you wish you could redo.
Things you’d handle differently with more capacity, more awareness, more support.
That’s part of being human in a relationship.
But the better questions are these:
Are you paying attention?
Are you willing to take ownership when you miss something?
Are you coming back and repairing?
Are you staying in relationship - even when it’s uncomfortable or messy?
Are you able to take feedback without throwing it back on your kids?
Are they getting moments of your undivided attention - no phones, tv, or distractions?
Because that’s what shapes them.
Not a perfectly regulated parent.
Not a parent who never raises their voice.
Not a parent who gets it right every single time.
But a parent who:
Comes back.
Tries again.
Stays.
You don’t need someone to give you a grade.
You don’t need empty reassurance from people who don’t know you.
And you don’t need to get this perfect to do it well.
You need awareness.
You need support.
And you need enough capacity to keep showing up.
And if you’re here…
Thinking about this.
Questioning yourself.
Wanting to do it differently.
That says more than any “grade” ever could.
You’re not outside the work.
You’re in it.
You don’t have to hold all of this by yourself or figure it out on your own.
If you’re needing more support - whether that’s therapy, a more focused intensive, or stepping into a space like HER where you can slow down and reconnect -
That support exists.
And it can make this feel a whole lot less heavy.
